


I Wouldn't Be Who I Am

by kyewopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Minor Character Death, TOPFL Christmas Challenge, Tyler is a dad, joshler - Freeform, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-11 03:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12926238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyewopen/pseuds/kyewopen
Summary: Josh was supposed to spend Christmas with his family not with his ex-boyfriend and his son.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Basttop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basttop/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do a Christmas fic! I got the idea this morning and I have never been that inspired. Hope you'll like it :)

Josh had never been a lucky guy, for as long as he could remember. Even when he was little, much younger than he was today, luck had never been his best friend. Far from it. And you see, when you were naturally unlucky like Josh, some situations that may looked annoying for some people were just the usual routine for him. His parents were always entering his room during the sex scene of a movie back when he was a child, the weather was pretty much guaranteed to be at its worst during his days off, he was always missing his bus by just a second or two and had to wait for the next one. And he could go on for a long time.

Right now, Josh had spent half an hour in this supermarket to do some grocery shopping. His fridge was empty for a week now, but he had always been lazy when it came to groceries. He hated that, walking in the supermarket, and feeling like everybody was judging him because all he was buying was junk food. It was annoying. That’s why he was usually using the self-checkout machines because he didn’t have to interact socially with any of the cashiers. But again, Josh was unlucky and as he arrived next to the self-checkout service, it seemed that most of the machines were out of order and the few ones which were still working didn’t accept cash. And Josh could have used his credit card, but he had 50 bucks to spend so he resigned himself to queue in front of a cashier staffed checkout, patiently waiting for his turn. Needless to say, he had chosen the slowest queue and he knew that choosing another one right now would only make this one go faster.

He sighed and kept his head down, giving a small smile to the little boy who was standing up in the shopping cart in front of him. Josh couldn’t quite see the man standing before him, but the kid was complaining to him (And Josh guessed it was his father) because this one hadn’t bought Oreos. And really, Josh couldn’t blame him, who was selfish enough to refuse Oreos to their own children?

‘I told you, Noah, we have enough biscuits at home.’

‘Yeah but Oreos taste better, daddy.’

‘Well, finish them and then I’ll buy some if you’re well-behaved. Okay, kiddo? And stop with the pouty face, you know it’s only working with Uncle Mark.’

Josh let out a small laugh at this and frowned when he heard the voice of the father. He could swear he had heard it before, but he couldn’t quite remember when. He moved and took a step to the right to try and see the man’s face but this one was bending over to pick up something that his son had dropped on the floor. He tried to recognize the voice but gave up after a few minutes. Surely, he didn’t know the guy and his voice was just reminding him of someone. He shrugged and went on eavesdropping the conversation of other people. He knew it was rude, but he couldn’t help it, especially now Christmas was on its way, because people tended to talk about their family and Josh could get to know people he had never seen before and would probably never see again. It was a weird habit that Josh didn’t plan to change anytime soon.

He took a few steps forward and waited for the guy in front of him to be done putting all his products on the conveyor belt to start and do the same with his items. And it’s when the man turned around to place the checkout divider to separate the different items that it hit Josh. He knew the man all too well. It was his ex-boyfriend. It was Tyler.

‘Tyler?’ Josh said with wide eyes.

Tyler looked up at him and frowned for a few seconds before opening his eyes wide as Josh did a few seconds earlier.

‘Oh my god, Josh… I… How… How are you doing?’ Tyler asked, smiling.

Josh stayed silent and motionless for a few minutes. He had heard Tyler, but he couldn’t say a word. It had been too long since he last saw him, since they broke up, since _he_ broke up with him. There were so many thoughts and feelings blending together in his mind and he couldn’t quite name them. There was anger, obviously, because after all these years, he couldn’t understand why Tyler had decided to end things with him. There was anxiety, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do, it was all too unexpected, and it felt weird, to see him again, with _a child_. But there was happiness too. As much as he hated to admit it, Tyler had been his first true boyfriend and he didn’t think he had loved someone more than he had loved Tyler ever since their relationship ended. And he didn’t blame him. He didn’t. It was a long time ago and Josh had learnt to live with it.

‘Josh?’ Tyler repeated. ‘You're okay in there?’

‘What… Oh! Hum… Yeah. I’m fine. I’m great. Sorry, I was… I zoned out for a minute. I still do that, sometimes.’ Josh answered, and Tyler gave him a small smile, this _same_ smile, Josh thought. He used to be crazy about it, back in university. And apparently, he still was, after all this time.

Tyler had changed a lot. He seemed taller. He probably wasn’t, Josh thought, you couldn’t get taller after a certain age, but he still seemed taller. He had the same brown eyes but this time, he had a small beard, and Josh bit his lower lip. He couldn’t get more beautiful.

‘What… What about you?’ Josh asked as Tyler was waiting for the old lady in front of him to pay. ‘Is this… Is this your kid?’ Josh added, pointing the little boy still standing in the shopping cart.

‘Oh… Yes. He’s my kid. Noah. He’s 5.’

‘Who is he, daddy?’ Noah asked, and Josh smiled at him. This boy looked just like his father and this made Josh smile.

‘It’s Josh. He’s…’ Tyler stopped and looked at Josh for a few seconds. ‘He’s an old friend.’ He added, and Josh smiled shyly at him before looking down. And as he lowered his head, he couldn’t help but notice the ring, the _wedding_ ring.

‘Oh you’re… You’re married?’ Josh asked and suddenly wanted to be buried alive. Why of all the questions he could ask his ex-boyfriend, he chose this one. Surely, there were more judicious questions.

Tyler’s face immediately darkened, and Josh opened his mouth to say something, to tell him that he didn’t have to answer this question if he wasn’t feeling like it, but no words seemed to come out of his mouth. Tyler had looked down to his finger, and was looking at this ring with a small smile on his face. A sad smile.

‘I was. Not anymore.’ He answered, smiling.

‘I’m sorry.’ Josh said. And as much as he wanted to know all about what happened, he didn’t add anything, it was probably best for the two of them to avoid this conversation, especially in front of Tyler’s kid, Josh thought.

‘And you? You… You have anyone?’ Tyler asked.

‘Oh no. No one.’ Josh said, almost instantly.

It was followed by a small awkward silence, both were looking intently at each other and neither of them dared to say another word. And yet, Josh had so many things to tell him. He wanted to know everything. He wanted to hear everything about the time he hadn't been there. He wanted to hear all about his life, his family, his job, he wanted to hear all about _him_. He had loved him so much during the two years they had spent together and seeing him again in this supermarket felt like reliving all these feelings he had tried so hard to forget.

Tyler was the first one to break the silence.

‘So… What… Did you plan something for Christmas? Spending it with your family, I guess?’

Josh smiled. Tyler had never liked awkward silences. He usually was always the one to break them. With anything. Sometimes, what he was saying didn’t make any sense, but he didn’t care as long as he was saying _something_. And Josh had never minded. He had always thought that it was a cute habit. And after all, this is why he had fallen in love with him in the first place. They had met in the university restaurant. Every seat was taken and the only one still free was the one next to Tyler. He was a weird kid, back then. Or at least, it’s what everybody was calling him. Weird. Josh had never thought anything of it, though, and he had sat next to him this day. Tyler had instantly looked up at him, with fear clearly shown on his face. That’s the first thing Josh noticed. The fear. And then, Tyler had started talking. He had started talking and talking and talking, switching from one topic to another, without caring if they were linked. They weren’t.

It’s when Josh knew he was in love.

‘No actually, I… I didn’t plan anything. Well, I mean… I had plans. I was supposed to spend a few days back in my parent’s house with my family but… My plane got cancelled. I mean… Look at the snow outside. Doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better anytime soon.’

‘Oh. Right.’ Tyler said, looking at the snow for a few seconds. ‘Are you… Are you gonna be all alone for Christmas?’

‘Huh… I can’t join them until the 27th so… Yeah, I guess. What about you?’ He asked. ‘Did you… Are you still on bad terms with your parents?’

‘Oh yeah. They still think being bisexual is a sin, so… I’m definitely not going back home.’ Tyler answered, laughing nervously. ‘It’s gonna be me and the little monster this year.’ Tyler added, looking down at his son.

Josh simply nodded and smiled at him. He stayed silent when the cashier scanned all of Tyler’s items and waited nervously for him to pay. He didn’t want them to leave just yet. He still had so many things to tell him.

‘Well… I guess… I guess this is goodbye, then?’

‘I guess it is.’ Josh answered. ‘You take care of yourself, yeah?’ Josh added. He hadn’t meant to say those words. He didn’t want to seem still too attached to him. But he couldn’t help it. He had always been too caring. He had always felt like he had to protect him. It hadn’t changed.

‘I will. Merry Christmas, Josh.’

‘Merry Christmas, Tyler.’

Josh looked at them going out of the supermarket and sighed. He wished he could run and ask him to grab a coffee sometimes. But he stayed there, taking all of his items and placing them carefully in his bag. He stayed there and paid and walked towards his car, putting his bag in the back of his car. And he was about to open the door when a hand was being placed on his shoulder. It was Tyler. Again. This one seemed to have run because he was out of breath.

‘Josh.’

‘Hum?’

‘I was wondering… Do you want to have dinner with us tomorrow night? I don’t want you to spend Christmas on your own. Maybe we could talk you know, make up for lost time. What do you think?’ Tyler asked.

‘Yeah, I… We can do that. Maybe give me your number so you can text me the details?’ Josh said, handing him his cell phone.

‘Yes, totally. Okay.’ Tyler said, quickly typing his phone number and handing him back to Josh. ‘Well…I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?’

‘You will.’ Josh said, smiling.

Before Josh could do anything, Tyler was already holding him tightly against him, placing his chin on his shoulder.

‘It was good to see you again. I missed you.’ Tyler whispered, and Josh wrapped his arms around him.

‘I missed you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He answered with a small smile once Tyler took a few steps backwards.

 

Josh was standing in front of this door, motionless. Tyler had texted him his address five minutes after their encounter in this supermarket and Josh had been feeling very excited for this evening, he even had gone to the city center to try and find a gift for his son. But now he was standing in front of this apartment’s door, excitement was replaced by anxiety. He had always been anxious. For as long as he could remember. His anxiety had tended to disappear around Tyler. Tyler had always been able to soothe him. He had always had this reassuring presence, and nobody had been capable of being half the man Tyler had been during these two years. It had always been him. Josh knew that. He had tried his best to convince himself that he could meet somebody else, that he could fall in love again, but he was wrong. Tyler couldn’t be replaced.

A sudden rush of adrenaline pushed him to knock on his door and when footsteps could be heard on the other side of the wall, Josh suddenly forgot how to breathe. He was feeling dizzy, like he could faint at any moment. And then the door opened, and a five years old kid was looking at him with suspicious eyes.

 ‘Daddy, your friend with pink hair is here.’ Noah said, and Josh let out a small laugh.

‘His name is Josh, Noah, let him in!’

Josh crossed the threshold and took a few steps in the living-room, offering a small smile to Tyler who was standing in the kitchen, cooking. He quickly made his way towards Josh and hugged him for a few seconds before pointing the sofa, making him understand that he could seat.

‘Don’t you need any help in there?’ Josh asked.

‘No, I have it under control. Besides, you’re not a great cook if I remember correctly.’

‘Right. You’ll be glad to know that I made some progress in the field of cooking.’

‘Oh yeah? I’d like to see that with my own eyes.’ Tyler said, smiling.

Josh let out a small laugh and looked at Noah who was watching a children’s book, trying to avoid any eye contact with Josh. This one seemed quite shy, but Josh was the same when he was his age, so he didn’t mind. He gave him a small smile and this one only got bigger when Noah instantly looked down.

‘So Noah… Are you in school yet?’ Josh asked, smiling when this one didn’t look up at him.

‘Yes.’ He said with such a small voice, almost whispering. ‘Kindergarten.’ He added.

‘Oh that’s great.’ Josh said. ‘What are you learning?’

‘I’m trying to write. And to read.’

‘And are you good at it?’

‘Well, daddy says I am.’

Josh smiled at this and looked up at Tyler who was taking a seat next to him and handing him a beer. Josh thanked him with a low voice and took a sip of it, quickly bringing back all his attention to Noah when this one suddenly looked at him, like he wanted to ask him something.

‘Do you want to see?’ Noah asked, and Tyler looked at him with wide eyes, like he was impressed that his son was actually talking to someone so easily.

‘Yeah, of course. Can you write my name?’ Josh asked, seating cross-legged on the floor next to him. ‘It’s Josh.’

‘I know.’ Noah said, simply. This one took a pen in his hand and started writing on a small piece of paper, looking up at Josh expectantly when he was done.

‘That’s perfect. You’re very good.’

‘Thank you.’ Noah answered, shyly, before going back to reading his book.

‘He looks just like you.’ Josh said. Tyler simply smiled at him without adding anything.

‘He likes you. He’s never talking as much as he did usually. He’s pretty shy.’ Tyler explained. ‘Dinner is ready by the way. Chili con carne. I suppose you’re okay with it?’

Josh smiled nodded. It was his favorite meal and the fact that Tyler had remembered this piece of information was maybe making him happier than he would care to admit. But after all, they had spent two years together and they had shared so much together, this kind of things was hard to forget, Josh thought. He got up at the same time as Noah and took a seat next to Tyler, smiling when this one served him first.

‘So what do you think Santa Claus will bring you this year, Noah?’ Josh asked.

‘I asked for some Legos… And some books too.’

‘What kind of books?’

‘Winnie the Pooh.’

‘Winnie is great! Tigger is my favorite, though.’

‘Me too!’ Noah exclaimed with a huge smile on his face.

Josh let out a small laugh, he used to be a big fan of Winnie the Pooh and he still had all the books in his old bedroom in his parent’s place. It was funny to see how timeless books or movies could be. Noah had still a small smile on his face and was waiting for his dad to cut the meat into small pieces, so he could start eating.

‘Oh my god it’s so good.’ Josh said while taking his first bite.

‘Thanks.’

‘Okay maybe I still suck at cooking.’ Josh added, and Tyler burst out laughing.

Josh had forgotten how good it felt to hear Tyler’s laugh. He had forgotten how good it felt to see him smile. He hadn’t been the happiest boy back in the time they were together and had even been in depression for a long year. Josh had tried to be there for him every single day until Tyler decided to break up with him. He didn’t know why. He had never known why. All he had gotten was a text. A simple text. Saying things had become too hard. Saying he didn’t love him anymore. That’s all Josh had been left with. This text, and a broken heart.

‘Josh? Are you okay?’ Tyler asked, gently.

‘What?’

‘I was just asking if you wanted some more of this?’ Tyler repeated, pointing the chili con carne.

‘Oh. Yes please. It’s so good.’

‘Can I have my dessert, daddy?’ Noah asked.

‘Yeah, I’ll get it for you.’ Tyler said, standing up and coming back with a lemon pie.

From the huge smile on Noah’s face, Josh guessed that it was one of his favorite desserts. It was his, too, and he couldn’t help but smile by the idea of Tyler cooking his favorite meals. Tyler had always made him so happy. Even when he was depressed. He had never thought of Tyler as a burden. He was desperate to make him feel better. He had read many books and several testimonies on the internet to have some tips, to know what to do, how to be present for someone in depression. He knew that depression was different for everyone, he knew living with someone with depression was hard, but he wouldn’t have changed it for anything else. He was happy. And Tyler would have been happy, if only he had let him try.

‘Thanks for the dinner, it was very good.’ Josh said.

‘You’re welcome. It makes me happy having you here.’

‘Noah?’ Josh said to the boy who was now watching tv. ‘I have something for you. Well, Santa Claus gave me something for you.’

‘You know Santa Claus?’ Noah exclaimed, running towards him with a big smile on his face.

‘I do!’ Josh answered, smiling. ‘Here it is.’ He added, handing him the present.

‘Can I open it now, dad?’

‘You can.’

Noah didn’t wait any second longer to tear the wrapping paper and a huge smile appeared on his face when he saw the present. It was a board game which was supposed to stimulate the memory, Josh had wanted to give him something funny and useful at the same time and by the look of Noah’s face, this one seemed excited to try it.

‘Can we play dad? Please?’ Noah asked.

‘Maybe tomorrow, okay? It’s time to sleep, now.’

‘Okay.’ Noah said.

Tyler stood up and followed his son in his room, letting Josh know that he could make himself at home. Josh cleared the table and put everything in the dishwasher. He was cleaning the table with a sponge when Tyler got out of his son’s bedroom.

‘You didn’t have to do that, Josh.’

‘I know. I wanted to.’ He said.

‘Thanks.’ Tyler said, taking a seat on the sofa.

Josh threw the sponge in the kitchen sink and sat next to him, suddenly feeling very nervous. Maybe because now Noah was sleeping, he was alone with Tyler, with nothing or no one to distract him from his presence, from all the things he wanted to ask him. Tyler was very quiet himself and Josh was surprised to notice that he wasn’t trying to fill the void with some stupid anecdotes.

‘How have you been doing?’ Josh suddenly asked.

‘Fine, I guess. Very busy. After we… After we followed different paths, I… I found a job. A good job. As a newspaper journalist. Then I met Jenna… And Noah arrived. I’ve been pretty busy ever since.’ Tyler said.

‘What happened to Jenna?’ Josh couldn’t help but ask.

‘Oh… She died giving birth to the little monster.’ Tyler said with a sad smile.

‘I’m so sorry, Tyler.’

‘Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I mean… It’s been five years. I’m still sad sometimes, of course but… I’m okay. I’m doing much better.’

‘Well, I’m glad to hear that. I really am.’

Josh didn’t know what to say. He was looking at this floor, trying to think of something to say, anything. Tyler didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve this much pain. No one deserved that. But Tyler had had such a complicated life and even after this one broke up with him, Josh had hoped that he would be better. He had hoped that he would find happiness someday.

‘Are you happy now?’ Josh asked.

‘Yeah… Yeah, I guess I am. Noah is everything to me. As long as we have each other, I’ll be okay.’ Tyler said. ‘What about you?’

‘Me?’ Josh asked. It had been more than eight years since he last saw Tyler and yet, he didn’t know what to say to him. He had a lot of questions but talking about him felt pointless.

‘Yeah, you. I see you finally decided to dye your hair.’ Tyler said, pointing his pink hair.

‘Oh right.’ Josh said, letting one of his hands going through his hair. ‘Yeah.’

‘You look good.’ Tyler told him. ‘It suits you.’

‘Thanks.’ Josh answered. ‘I’m still working in a music store. Not the same one as before but… Yeah. I like it there. They let me play the drums. Are you still playing the piano?’

‘I still do, yeah. Less than before, I don’t have much time, but I still do.’

‘You were good at it.’

Tyler doesn’t answer, and another awkward silence set in. They both had a lot to say but they didn’t know where to start. It was such a long period of time. Eight years. And Josh had wished that Tyler had kept in touch with him. He had wished he hadn’t tried to avoid him so much until completely disappearing of his life. When Tyler had broken up with him, he had wished that they could still be friends, but he hadn’t let him a choice. And looking back, Josh thought it was the thing that hurt him the most. The rejection.

‘I have something for you.’ He said, bending over to take the gift.

‘What is it?’ Tyler asked, smiling shyly.

‘Open it.’

It was a ukulele. Tyler had always wanted to learn the ukulele, but he never had enough money to buy himself one and the first thing Josh did after this one broke up with him was to buy him one. But he never got the change to give it to him. He had tried, though. Multiple times. But Tyler was doing anything he could to avoid him and then, he left Columbus without warning him, and the little instrument had been in Josh’s apartment ever since.

‘You remember.’ Tyler said, surprised and moved.

‘Of course I do. I’ve been wanting to give it to you for eight years.’

‘Why didn’t you?’ Tyler asked.

‘You didn’t let me.’ Josh said. And there wasn’t any aggressiveness in his voice. He was calm. It was just a simple statement. But Tyler still looked down, biting his lip.

‘I’m sorry.’

And of course, he was. Josh knew that. But hearing these three words after eight years was frustrating. And if he wasn’t angry before, he could now feel the anger boiling up in him. Because Tyler had left him with nothing this day, and he couldn’t get away with it that easily. He couldn’t get away with it with ‘I’m sorry.’ It wasn’t fair.

‘Why did you break up with me?’ Josh blurted out.

‘Josh…’

‘I mean it, Tyler. Why did you break up with me?’

‘Look, I’m sorry, okay? I am. I truly am. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘Stop it, Tyler!’ Josh said with a loud voice, but still low enough not to wake up Noah who was sleeping in his bedroom. And he felt stupid. The whole situation felt stupid. Absurd. ‘I know you’re sorry.’ He added. ‘I know you are, but do you think that’s enough to make up for it? You didn’t tell me anything, Tyler. You didn’t tell me anything.’ He repeated. ‘What happened? Don’t you think I was entitled to some explanations? We were dating for two years, Tyler! Two fucking years! And you dumped me with a text? Without explaining shit! And I know you were going through hell. I know that. I know you were depressed. But that didn’t give you the right to act like a complete heartless asshole! You weren’t the only one dealing with stuff, you know? I had really bad anxiety at that time. And I knew I could handle it on my own, so I put my problems aside. I put my problems aside for so long. Because I knew you needed help. Because I knew you needed _me_. But when you left me? It hurt. It fucking hurt. It hurt so much.’

Josh hadn’t planned to tell him all this. He hadn’t planned to reproach him all these things. But words had come out just like this. All the pain he had felt, all the anger, all the distress, he finally had the chance to express them. He finally had the chance to tell him all the things he had kept for himself during all these years. And he wasn’t proud of it. But it still felt good.

Tyler was still sitting on the sofa. He had stayed quiet the whole time, just listening to what Josh had to say. But now Josh was done, he desperately wanted him to say something. But Tyler was awfully quiet. And Josh didn’t say anything either until he could see some tears rolling down his friend’s cheeks. This one quickly wiped them with the back of his hands.

‘I’m sorry.’ Josh said, sitting back next to him. ‘I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry.’

‘I never meant to hurt you.’ Tyler said. ‘But you can’t understand Josh… I felt awful at that time. You can’t understand…  I can’t tell you how… You can’t understand what was going on in my own brain, I…’

‘Why don’t you just try?’

‘I was… I was in a bad place, Josh. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to be alive. Everything felt so… Everything felt so pointless and I… I couldn’t think clearly, Josh. My mind… My mind was so messed up. Depression is… The pain you feel… It messes with your head, Josh. It messes with your thoughts. It made me think some things… It made me believe things that weren’t true. I thought… I thought you would hate me eventually. I thought I was a burden for everyone I knew. I thought… I thought I didn’t deserve you. And I didn’t. You deserved so much more. I didn’t want you to spend your whole life with a messed-up guy like me. I didn’t want you to spend your whole life taking care of me. I wanted you to be happy, Josh. I truly did. And I was convinced that breaking up with you would make you happier, in the end. I did it for you. And I know it’s fucked up. But I did it for you, Josh. I wanted to protect you from myself.’

‘But why did you say you didn’t love me anymore?’ Josh said, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

‘Because it was easier to act like a jerk than trying to explain things I didn’t even understand myself, I guess. But it was wrong. What I said. I never stopped loving you.’

‘I’m still in love with you.’ Josh blurted out. He thought he had forgotten all about him. He thought he had moved on. But seeing him again the day before in this supermarket just made him realize how wrong he was. ‘It’s always been you, Tyler.’

Tyler had placed his hand on Josh tight and smiled shyly at him. And god, Josh had missed this. He had missed the touches, the smiles, he had missed everything about him. And now Tyler was in front of him, he was feeling so lost. He only knew one thing. He was in love with him. That’s all he knew.

‘I’m sorry I hurt you.’

‘I know. Don’t be. It’s okay. We’ll be okay.’

‘I love you.’ Tyler said.

And then, Josh could feel warm lips against him. He could feel warm lips against his. He could feel Tyler’s hands on the back of his neck and he could feel Tyler’s thighs on his lap. He carefully placed his two hands on Tyler’s waist and kissed him back with all the passion he had.

‘I love you.’ He said, in-between kisses. ‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you too.’ Tyler answered, resting his forehead against his. He kissed his nose and smiled at him for a few seconds. ‘Do you think… Do you think we can start over, you and I?’

‘I think we can.’ Josh answered, and then, he was back at kissing his best friend once again.

‘Josh.’

‘Hum?’

‘Are you okay with me having a son, though?’

‘I’m perfectly fine with this. He’s adorable. Just like his father.’ Josh said, and Tyler let out a small laugh.

‘I’d forgotten how cheesy you could get. Now can we kiss some more?’

And Josh was happy to comply.

For the first time in his life, Josh was glad to be an unlucky guy. Because he couldn't think of a better Christmas.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? 
> 
> (Btw this is a gift to my good friend Bard cause all of our conversations about Christmas got me inspired)


	2. Sequel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a sequel! Thanks to my good friend Bard for correcting the mistakes and helping me with the ring idea!

Josh was slowly waking up. He could feel the soft fabric of the bed sheets on his arms, his legs, his feet. He could feel the pillow supporting his head. He had always hated sleeping with nothing under his head. He had always needed a pillow, an old sweater, a bolster, anything to hold his head up. He didn’t really know why, he had just never been able to get to sleep without.

Josh was slowly waking up, but he couldn’t open his eyes. He was afraid of opening his eyes and finding out that everything had been just a dream. It wasn’t the first time he was dreaming of Tyler after all, it could be another one. But this one had felt so real. That’s why he didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t want to find himself in his old room, in his old bed, alone. Because it would be too much to handle. And Josh didn’t know if he could take it anymore. And it was weird. How, after all this time, some people were simply impossible to forget about.

But then, Josh could feel something else. It wasn’t the bed sheets, it wasn’t this pillow, it wasn’t the mattress, it was  _someone_. It was a hand, and an arm, and a foot. It was a whole body pressed against his. He could feel the warmth of someone’s skin. And so, slowly, he opened his eyes, and he was there. Next to him. It wasn’t just a dream. It was real. And he was looking at him with a small smile on his face.

‘Good morning.’ Tyler said, and Josh’s smile only got bigger.

‘Good morning.’

Tyler was here, in front of him, laying down next to him, and it was overwhelming. Then, Tyler was placing one of his hands on his cheek and was moving closer to him to press a small kiss on his lips.

‘What are you thinking of?’ Tyler asked.

‘I… I don’t know…It’s just… It’s just a bit overwhelming.’

‘What is?’

‘You… Me… Us. It doesn’t feel real.’

‘Do you… Do you maybe want to slow things down? We could, you know. Take it slow. I wouldn’t mind.’

‘No, I… I like it. I like being with you. It’s just that… God, it’s gonna sound so cheesy, but I… I thought I had forgotten about you. I thought I had moved on, you know. But seeing you in this supermarket the other day, it… It made me realize that… You were the only one I’ve ever truly loved. And you know… You have a kid. You’ve changed. You managed to build a new life without me and I’m sorry for what happened… But I feel like… You moved on, Tyler, and I was still stuck in the past. I still am.’

‘Josh…’

Tyler kissed him once again, and this time, Josh kissed him back. This kiss was more heated than the last one. Tyler’s hand was placed against his chest and Josh was trying really hard to lower his heart rate. He put his two hands on the back of Tyler’s neck to deepen the kiss and couldn’t help but to smile against his mouth when this one let out a small gasp of surprise.

‘Josh… As much as I like what we’re doing, I think Noah is already up and he’s probably only waiting for me to get up to open his presents.’

‘Let’s go, then.’ Josh said while giving him a quick kiss. ‘We don’t want to make him wait any longer.’

He was about to get up and get dressed when Tyler held on to him by placing a hand on his shoulder.

‘Josh, wait… Before we… I heard what you said. And… And I don’t want you to think that It was easy for me to…’

But Tyler didn’t have time to finish his sentence because the door was being wide opened and a little boy with a huge smile on his face was entering the room, running in.

‘Daddy, it’s Christmas!! Can I open my presents, please? Santa-‘

Noah suddenly stopped talking when his eyes fell on Josh and he looked at him with wide eyes, probably wondering what he was still doing here. Josh bit his lower lip and glanced at Tyler for a few seconds before smiling to the kid without saying anything.

‘Noah, why don’t you go in the kitchen, I’ll be right there, okay?’ Tyler asked, and Noah only nodded.

‘Maybe… Maybe I should go.’ Josh said, a few seconds later.

‘You can stay. He’s just surprised. Nobody… Nobody slept here since Jenna died.’ Tyler said, with a low voice.

‘Is it good for him, though? I don’t want him to think that I’m replacing his mother or… I don’t want him to be uncomfortable because of me.’

‘Josh, Noah never knew his mother and he knows that… That she’s gone. I told him a few months ago. I don’t know if he really understands death yet, but he knows she’s not coming back. You’re not doing anything wrong by being here. I really want you to stay. I’ll talk to him. But stay. Please?’

‘Okay.’ Josh simply answered, smiling.

Tyler kissed him briefly once again and gave him a small smile before leaving the room to join his son in the living-room. Josh stayed in his bedroom for a while, alone, trying to handle all the feelings that were arising simultaneously in his chest, blending together into a single overwhelming emotion. He eventually left the room too and made his way towards the kitchen, where Tyler was making pancakes and Noah was seated cross-legged in front of the tree, watching the presents with bright eyes.

‘So many presents!’ Josh said. ‘They’re all for you?’

‘I don’t know. Dad, do you think so?’ Noah asked, looking up.

‘I think so, yes!’

‘Santa forgets you every year.’ Noah said, looking down.

Josh glanced at Tyler with a sad smile, suddenly thinking of how hard life must had been for him during the last five years. Tyler had always been an introvert kind of person, Josh knew that. And this one had lost touch with his family a long time ago. Except for his brother Zack. Josh remembered that they were still talking from time to time back in the days they were dating. He hoped that he hadn’t lost sight of him as well.

‘He didn’t this year.’ Tyler said.

Josh frowned and looked up at him, smiling when this one made his way towards the couch to take the tiny instrument in his hands.

‘I was so excited, and I opened it when you were still sleeping.’

‘Dad, that’s not fair!! Is it a mini guitar?’ Noah asked, and Josh let out a small laugh at the remark.

‘I guess you can call it like that. It’s called a ukulele.’ Tyler answered while placing a plate full of pancakes on the table.

‘Can I open mines now?’

‘Go ahead’ Tyler simply said, smiling at his son.

Josh joined them on the floor and looked at Noah who was carefully tearing the wrapping paper of his first gift. It was a book, and Josh smiled when he recognized Winnie The Pooh on the cover. Noah gasped out loud happily and his smile couldn’t get any bigger. His eyes fell on the first page, but he quickly put the book aside to open his other presents. There were more Winnie The Pooh books, and some Lego's that were quite easy to build. His eyes were sparkling with happiness and so were Tyler’s. Josh was watching him looking at his son and it was easy to understand that Noah meant the whole world to him.

‘I love Santa!’ Noah exclaimed, and Tyler let out a small laugh. ‘Can I play with the Lego's now?’

‘Don’t you want to have breakfast first?’

‘Is it with peanut butter and banana?’ Noah asked, hopeful.

‘It is!’

Noah smiled broadly at his father and took a seat on one of the chairs around the table, Josh joining him soon enough. He quickly thanked Tyler when this one placed two pancakes on his plate and smiled when this one sat next to him and put one of his hands on his thigh. But then, Josh could feel Noah’s eyes on him once again and he seemed to hesitate for a few seconds before looking up at him to ask a question.

‘When you were a little boy like me, your hair was pink?’ He asked.

Josh hadn’t excepted this kind of questions, but he was relieved to see that Noah didn’t seem very bothered by his presence this morning.

‘No. I dyed my hair.’

‘Dyed?’

‘It means changing the color of your hair.’

‘You can pick all the colors you want?’

‘Yes. I could show you how it’s done some day, if you want.’

‘Can my hair be orange, dad? Please?’ Noah asked, and Tyler only shook his head, smiling.

‘Maybe later, okay?’ He added.

‘Can I touch it?’ Noah asked, looking at Josh, this time.

Josh only nodded and bent over so Noah could touch his hair for a few seconds with his small hands. This one smiled and then frowned, looking at his hand, expectantly, as if he had thought it would become pink.

‘It’s weird.’ He said and quickly brought back his attention to the pancake which was facing him on his plate.

 

After the breakfast, Noah was soon back in his room with all his new presents he had just received. Josh could hear him talking to himself and he smiled, he used to do it all the time when he was young and playing with playmobils. He could spend several hours in his room, just reading or playing on his own. He had never needed anyone to enjoy his time. He was already shy back then, and it hadn’t changed.

Josh was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize Tyler moving closer to him. He had always had this weird habit of zoning out. Either because he was so immersed in his thoughts or because he was feeling too nervous and couldn’t focus on anything that was surrounding him. In both cases, he would forget about the whole world and it could sometimes last for several minutes, until he was brought back into the reality by something or someone. This time, it was Tyler taking his hand in his that made him jump with surprise.

‘You’re still friend with Mark?’ Josh asked, out of the blue.

‘Hum yeah. Still am. Why?’

‘You mentioned an ‘Uncle Mark’ in the supermarket the other day, and I was wondering if it was the same one as before. I kinda miss him. We should hang out sometimes.’

‘He’s coming over tonight for dinner. You could be there too, I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.’

Josh only nodded and let one of his hands going through Tyler’s hair before placing it on his cheek, staring at him in awe. He was so beautiful, he had never thought he would have the chance to see him again, after all this time. And he was about to say something, but Tyler spoke first.

‘I was thinking that maybe we should talk? Finish this morning’s conversation?’

‘Okay.’

‘Let’s sit on the couch. I have something I want to show you. Something important. You can sit, I’ll be right there.’

Josh took a seat on the couch and patiently waited for Tyler to come back. He had seen him entering his bedroom and was wondering what he wanted to show him. Surely, it was something important, as Tyler had said, this one had seemed so serious and Josh was starting to feel a little bit nervous.

Tyler came back a few minutes later and sat cross-legged in front of Josh. He smiled at him for a while and Josh did the same, staying silent.

‘What you said this morning about being stuck in the past…’ Tyler started.

‘Tyler, you don’t have to do that, we don’t have to talk about-‘

‘No, Josh, listen to me. Please.’

Josh nodded once again. Tyler was looking at him with such a thoughtful look that Josh was almost scared to interrupt him.

‘Listen… I don’t want you to think that moving on was easy for me. It wasn’t. It was probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. And I know it can sound selfish because I was the one who broke up with you. I was the one who decided to end things. But I loved you. I really did. You were my first love, Josh… You made me so happy. Even when I was depressed, you were the only one… You were the only thing that kept me going. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for you.’

Josh was already crying at this point. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and there was nothing he could do to stop them. He was looking down at his knees, he wasn’t ready to face Tyler yet. But by the tone of his voice, it wasn’t very difficult to understand that this one was on the verge of crying too. But he kept talking, and Josh kept listening.

‘And maybe breaking up with you was a terrible mistake. Maybe it was, and I wish I could tell you that if I could turn back time to change the past, I would, but… I would be lying. Because If I hadn’t, I… I never would have met Jenna. And Noah wouldn’t exist. And they brought me so much happiness. As much as you did.’

Tyler stopped talking for a second and Josh looked up at him with red eyes, wondering whether he should tell him something or wait for him to give him a sign to make him understand that he was done. After a few seconds, Josh opened his mouth to say something, but once again, Tyler spoke first.

‘A few weeks before I broke up with you, I bought you this.’ He said, pulling a small ring from his pocket.

Josh looked at him with wide eyes, trying to understand what was happening in front of him, or mostly trying to convince himself that Tyler wasn’t about to do what he had in mind.

‘Tyler, what are-‘

‘Calm down, Josh, I’m not proposing to you.’ Tyler said with a smile, and Josh let out a small laugh, relieved. ‘And I wasn’t planning to propose to you the last time either. It was more like… A promise ring. To make you understand that I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I was very cheesy at that time.’ Tyler added, laughing. ‘I guess I still am, today.’

‘Why didn’t you?’ Josh blurted out. ‘Why didn’t you give it to me?’

‘I was already depressed when I bought you this ring and… And then, it only got worse. I thought about giving it to you so many times and… And one day, I saw you… You were crying, in the bathroom. You had your dad on the phone. You were speaking about me. You were telling him that it was only getting worse, that you didn’t know what to do to help me anymore. And I know you had no intention of leaving me, but you sounded so devastated Josh. That’s when I realized that I was being selfish. You were taking care of me, Josh, but you were forgetting yourself in the process. This depression… It was killing the both of us. So, I left you.’

Josh wasn’t trying to stop his tears anymore. He remembered this day. Tyler had been crying for the whole morning and Josh had broken down, and had called his dad. It was only for a few minutes, though. He had just needed to empty his mind for a while. He had no idea that Tyler had heard him. He had no idea that it was the reason why Tyler had broken up with him.

‘I’m sorry.’ Josh said. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

‘Josh, what are you sorry for?’ Tyler asked with such a gentle voice.

‘I… I never would have left you.’ Josh added. ‘I’m sorry you had to hear this.’

‘Josh, you have nothing to be sorry for.’ Tyler said, placing his right hand on Josh’s cheek. ‘You did nothing wrong. You were so kind to me. All the time. You helped me so much. And for this, I’m forever grateful.’

‘I’m sorry you had to get through this alone.’

‘I wasn’t alone, Josh. Zack and Mark were here. I wasn’t alone. And look at me, now? I’m fine. I’m happy. And… And I’d like you to have this.’ Tyler added, handing him the ring. ‘Because I’d like to start over… With you. To start a new relationship. I wasn’t ready to commit, Josh. But I am, now. If you are too.’

‘Of course, I am.’ Josh said, in-between sobs.

And then, Tyler was kissing him, once again. And nothing had felt more right than this very moment.

Josh was right.

It was, by far, the happiest Christmas he had spent. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :) Tell me what you think!


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